The rest of Japan

For the last 9 days we spent in Kioto we did not have an internet connection, hence this late update. However, I'm now going to tell you everything that's ever happened to me, so it should take a jolly good while for you to read this post. I hope you'll make it all the way to the end...

In Kioto we stayed at a church athat had just moved to a new building a week earlier, and we had the priviledge to be the first guests there. The place was pretty amazing, though the thought of going back to sleeping on a futon on the floor after having a real bed didn't sound all that appealing to me and Jess at first. But it was all good in the end. The shower was by far the best one yet (apart from the showers at the Japanese bathhouse we went to a couple of times), and I spoilt myself a little by taking a long shower every morning. The church also fed us, though maybe a little too much. Some meals were better than others, but my absolute favourite was breakfast. Bacon and eggs every morning... Good times. So yeah, the church was more than hospitable to us and I bet we all gained weight, sadly. The church had a fairwell party for us on thursday evening at a Korean barbeque restaurant, and they practically forcefed us all till the point where I could've easily allowed myself to shove fingers down my throat and vomit, just because I was so full it was painful. But the food was amazing, and I didn't exactly fight back when they offered me more. Amazing top quality beef that we got to grill ourselves, heaps and heaps of it. Having been deprived of real meat for 4 months I couldn't help myself... I also tasted cow's tongue!! It was really good actually. With lemon. Ha.

Now to more serious life issues. I learnt a lot during this last week, all the way till the very last night. One of the things I struggled with was respecting my authorities in times when I felt like they weren't being just. One of our leaders had told us a while earlier that we had overbudgeted and had thousand of dollars left over. All of us were excited to hear that we'd be getting hundreds of dollars back after or during outreach. As the time went on, however, our leaders said we might have to spend it all on outreach, because the base in Brisbane has a policy that none of the outreach money will be refunded, it all goes to the base. So for a while we though we could just get a couple hundred for spending money and get rid of it. Not all of us were happy about that, cos we could still really use the money after DTS. Once we arrived to Kioto we still thought we could use the money to buy souvenirs, but our leaders told us that that's not gonna happen either. They'd mailed the base and asked about the money, and the base had told them that it sould not be spent on anything that the budget doesn't include. Realising finally that I would lose hundreds of dollars was a tough cookie for me to swallow. I wanted to fight for my money, saying that I had not signed a consent for this (which I may have, actually) and the base has no right to take it etc. etc. But God stopped me and said it isn't right for me to go against the authorities like that. It may or may not be just, but it isn't my job to force things the way I think they should be. I realised that my bitching wasn't gonna change the situation, instead it was just making things tense between me and the leaders. So I decided to release it to God, knowing that He'll always give me the money I need, and that right now it's my time to bless the base with my money isntead of holding this against them.

When it comes to ministry, we didn't really feel like we were doing much. The only time we shared a testimony was on the very first night we came, when we all had to share something without any time to prepare. But it was fine, we all managed to BS our way through it. But after that we mostly just did english classes for kids, which basicly meant playing with them. We really felt a spirit of control and pride over the church, as we weren't allowed to really do our own thing. The sanctuary of the church was off the limits whenever there wasn't a meeting, so even when we wanted to worship just as a team during our free time, we were forced to do so in a stairway, cos nowhere else was ok for them. It was sort of like we were some kind of trophys that they kept on a shelf till it was time to show us around. But we did our best to obey them, and we did have a good time. One day we went to this church's prayer house in the mountains and had a time of worship there. After we'd finished Koji came to me and told me I'd been praying in Japanese. I was so amazed. I knew I could pray in tongues, but to actually have someone there who'd understand. Apparently I had said "I'm gonna open the door, so please help me, please". Jess had also been singing "open up the door" while worshipping and prayed for something cool to happen. It was crazy. And the next day as we had worship in the stairway we all felt like God wanted to open a door in that church. We just didn't know how to help Him...

So it all came crashing down on friday night. The church had a prayer meeting from 9 till 11 in the evening, but they gave us the option to rest instead, if we needed. We as westerners understood it as a free night, so we decided to spend our last evening in Japan having fun at a Karaoke bar. So we all dressed up and left, and when we came back we were confronted by the church. They accused us of all sorts of things, but mostly they were upset because we'd offended them by not attending the meeting. We apologized. They told us we'd offended God by going out instead of attending the church meeting, and because we'd worn better clothes to karaoke than what we did to church. We didn't say anything to that cos we didn't agree. They attacked Koji for being Japanese yet so offensive, like chewing gum while playing worship in front of the church, and for not being a better guide for us to the Japanese culture. They blamed Koji for every single little mistake we'd made. We could not understand. And some of us tried to share our hearts about what we felt like God had showed us about the church, like spirit of fear, pride and control, but they would not listen to us. We realised we should've kept our mouths shut as it only added to the flame that was trying to burn us alive. It went on for hours, and it was like straight from a nightmare. I still don't understand what these people wanted from us. We apologized and apologized and apologized, but they would not forgive. At half past one, after interrupting them while they were throwing stones at Koji, and we begged to just leave in peace, we finally ended the conversation with the church. Our team then had a time of prayer to just break off anything that might've come upon us from this incident. But I was actually surprised how calm I was. I did not cry during or after the confrontation, I wasn't even scared. Of course it was unpleasant, but in my heart I knew these people couldn't touch me. I knew there was no condemnation for me, and that these people could refuse to forgive us but that in the end it would only hurt themselves. In a way I was actually happy it all happened, cos I could see how I really was able to stand firm in God even in a dark situation like that.

The same conversation happened the next morning, when the church decided to address the same issues we'd talked about already. It didn't matter. There seemed to be nothing we could say to these people to make it ok. It only left a bitter taste to our mouths from the whole trip, and we were so happy to arrive to the airport and shake the dust of that country off of our feet. I felt sad that it ad to end like this, but God had warned us in advance that Kioto was gonna be the hardest. We survived, and now all we can do is leave it to God. I hope the church will eventually forgive us, I would hate that this might've affected the oportunity for the future Ywam teams to visit this church... But like I said, it's up to God to heal it.

All in all I feel like the outreach was about discovering new depths within myself and getting back to the road I was supposed to be walking since the start of the DTS. For me it never ended up being about ministry as much as it was about personal growth. I learnt a lot about relationships with people (especially with guys) and God. But I also learnt that the foundation that I came here to build cannot be built by just the things we learn. It builds itself through application, as I put in practice the things I now understand. Now I'm back at the base, the first MAD girl to arrive, and it feels as if I never even left. There's still 4 more weeks till I leave this country again, and I'm looking forward to seeing what life will look like when I step into a plane the next time.

A place to rest

So on March 9th we packed up our bags and left for another church in Osaka. It's actually the home church of one our team members, which for him was a little creepy, seeing his family and all. But he doesn't seem to mind too much. And it really comes in handy to have a local in the team.

The atmosphere in this church has been totally different from the previous one. We feel so loved and appreciated, and we're also the only ones sleeping in the church so it doesn't feel like people are watching us all the time. We're doing pretty much everything together as a team which makes such a difference, and I feel like we're actually a family now, not just a bunch of people put together for a period of time. We've been doing a lot of meetings, sharing testimonies, preaching and leading worship. And it's been great to see the people getting refreshed in the spirit, and I just hope it would last. Anywhere we go it seems like there is such a hunger and desire for more of God, but nobody to show them how it's done. And even though most of our team members are 19 years old, these people respect us so much as their spiritual leaders for the day.

I don't know how to describe it other than just restful. This place is for me feels like somewhere I can just breathe and relax and enjoy all that God is blessing us with. We still have busy schedules, actually it's the busyest time so far in a way, but I still feel more peaceful than ever before on this outreach.

And like I said, the team's getting really close now that we're really doing stuff together. There's still a lot to be patient about and the dynamincs change all the time, but at least for my part I'm having less trouble with feeling left out or whatever. On monday we went to Universal Studios Japan, which was pretty cool, though it started raining and my shoes got soaked. Most of the time we just stood in lines, queueing for rides that weren't all that exciting, but it was still fun. And Afterwards we went to the Hard Rock Cafe to have dinner, which was totally worth the 3000yen I spent. Amazing food.

The food's really starting to become a problem. I have gained about 8 kilos since I came to Australia, and all this deep fried stuff isn't really helping. I'm afraid I'm either gonna gain another 10 kilos when I go back home just cos I'll binge on comfort snacks because I miss Australia, or I'll develop some sort of an eating disorder and struglle with that for the next 10 years. Or maybe it'll naturally go away when I change back into my healthy Finnish diet. But still, I feel really fat most of the time yet it's hard to stop eating when I'm hungry, and all the places we go to eat are really unhealthy. IT SUCKS. I'm just praying to God that he wont let me get any fatter than this...

Anyway, back to God. I don't know what He's up to at the moment, but something Ronnie spoke at the first meeting we did here really seems to apply to this season of our outreach. It was the story of the poor widow who gave one single coin as an offering, cos it was all she had. And like that widow, we don't have a lot to offer. None of us really have a lot of life experience, or wisdom that comes from that exprience, most of us have never seen a miracle or even seen a person getting saved. So really, what do we have to offer? But the little we have, that's what we'll bring to the table, trusting that maybe next time there'll be more to give. The first meeting we did I was sitting at the back of the room, just looking around during worship, and I saw this deaf guy singing in sign language. I felt really bad for him that he couldn't hear the music, and of course I thought about praying for him. But having never seen anyone getting healed (well I have but my they were stuff like hurting ankle etc. and my cynicism tells me it wasnt really a miracle) I was pretty reluctant to go. But I remembered this conversation with this awesome lady back at the previous church about healings and stuff. She told me it's not about what we can or cannot do, how much faith we have or how loud we yell our prayer. There is no formula to healing. It's God and God alone who works or doesn't work us, and all we're meant to do is to pray for sick people and lay hands on them. But I still didn't wanna do it. Yet inside me there was a burning that I knew I couldn't just ignore, and I'd be so dissapointed in myself if I didn't go. And that's what God eventually whispered in my ear; it's not for the deaf guy, it's for me. So I went and prayed with such a passion that I cried. And I cried after I'd prayed for him. He didn't get healed but I believe something in me changed. I guess after praying for my skin (twice, actually) with our entire school back in Brisbane and not seeing the results I stopped wanting to pray for healing cos it most likely resulted in embarrasment and confusion rather than healing. I didn't want to feel like I had to make excuses for God, and though I've never doubted His ability to heal people or even raise the dead, I just thought he's never do it through or to me. But as I put my fears aside and offered the little that I had, I know a piece of that fear or cynicism broke off. And I'll try to keep walking in that still, just offering the last coin I have in the hopes of receiving something bigger the next time.

I'm getting really tired so I'm gonna leave it there. Hopefully the next post will be sooner than later. Keep us in your prayers and send me mail cos I haven't really heard about anything that's going on back home!! Arigato.

Lovers in Japan, Osaka remix

So I realise I probably shouldn't post anything on this blog when I'm upset, cos it always ends up sounding far worse than it actually is. So I apologize for dramatizing a lot of the stuff that has been happening. It's really not that bad. And God is doing stuff, just not really what I was expecting...

Our team is again alive and well, after a couple of powerful worship sessions and some family fun time I felt a lot better(awesome worship, good teaching by this random Philippino, fake italian food and a karaoke room!). It's not that there never was a problem with unity, I'm sure there was and it makes sense, of course the enemy would attack our relationships first. But it's all about what you do with it. Sometimes it only takes some corporate God time. And we're all learning to love each other even when we're sick and tired of the same faces.

So on Friday night we had church in an informal cafe setting which was awesome. God was powerfully present and I felt so refreshed after three very dry weeks. And later I was journalling and going through my thoughts along the dts and what God had been saying to me. And I asked God what the whole dts has been about and what has God really been working on, cos it feels like I'm missing out on something when I compare my journey to some others'. And He said that it was always about relationships. All the time He wanted to bring me to a place where despite my circumstance or past experiences I would know who I am and stand confident in the middle of the crap this world throws at me in relationships. To learn patience, forgiveness, unselfishness, unconditional love. But I was so busy looking for revelations that I missed this one. And it's ridiculous how much it all makes sense as I read back to what I've been writing down throughout the school. Especially in times when it was such a struggle to hear Him, it was usually when I was looking in the wrong place. So really I should've always been asking "what's going on?" I'm pretty sure that's a question He'll always answer...

Now understanding that what God wanted me to to learn from this experience was how to handle relationships in a world where every single person will disappoint you, really takes the pressure off of doing "ministry" here in Japan. I'm learning so much about unconditional love, and about my relationship patterns. And as I keep working this stuff out with God and these secrets about my life for the past 10 years keep unfolding, and as I start to realize how deeply screwed up I am I begin to understand how great God's love and grace is for me, and how He's the only one who can solve this mess. It's rather exciting though to a lot of people I might sound like a retard. I think at this age we all are still retards when it comes to relationships. Some people just have been blessed with a little less backstabbing, loneliness and hard work than others, so they don't have to think about it so much. I always looked at those people and couldn't understand what they had that I didn't, that made people come to them instead of them having to pursue others. And then God reminded me of all the people I've turned away because they weren't "my type". To be honest, I've given up on so many people because they simply didn't seem all that interesting to me. Yesterday as I asked God about this, He really quite bluntly listed out stuff that I tend to do and some of it was pretty full on, though everything so true. Yet none of it was accusing. He simply answered my question, like father gives His honest opinion to a child who wants to hear it.

And man, have I felt such love coming from Him for the last couple of days. Even now as I'm writing this and listening to Kari Jobe I can just feel Him. AAaargh! Like you wouldn't believe. I don't even care if people think I'm an idiot. I don't even care if I go home and fail miserably in my attempts to put any of this into action. My God has brought me this far and even though for 4 months I've been acting like a retard whining to Him about why I can't hear Him (when I wasn't really listening) He's still with me and He still keeps turning my head towards the right direction...

Crazy how things can change once you shut up and start to listen, and I mean really LISTEN, not just try to hear what you want to hear. God is good all the time and I can't wait to see what He's gonna do next... (like the lecture phase, outreach seems to have its season as well...) Anyway, thanks for all the prayers, don't let them stop here just because I'm all happy all of a sudden..