So I realise I probably shouldn't post anything on this blog when I'm upset, cos it always ends up sounding far worse than it actually is. So I apologize for dramatizing a lot of the stuff that has been happening. It's really not that bad. And God is doing stuff, just not really what I was expecting...
Our team is again alive and well, after a couple of powerful worship sessions and some family fun time I felt a lot better(awesome worship, good teaching by this random Philippino, fake italian food and a karaoke room!). It's not that there never was a problem with unity, I'm sure there was and it makes sense, of course the enemy would attack our relationships first. But it's all about what you do with it. Sometimes it only takes some corporate God time. And we're all learning to love each other even when we're sick and tired of the same faces.
So on Friday night we had church in an informal cafe setting which was awesome. God was powerfully present and I felt so refreshed after three very dry weeks. And later I was journalling and going through my thoughts along the dts and what God had been saying to me. And I asked God what the whole dts has been about and what has God really been working on, cos it feels like I'm missing out on something when I compare my journey to some others'. And He said that it was always about relationships. All the time He wanted to bring me to a place where despite my circumstance or past experiences I would know who I am and stand confident in the middle of the crap this world throws at me in relationships. To learn patience, forgiveness, unselfishness, unconditional love. But I was so busy looking for revelations that I missed this one. And it's ridiculous how much it all makes sense as I read back to what I've been writing down throughout the school. Especially in times when it was such a struggle to hear Him, it was usually when I was looking in the wrong place. So really I should've always been asking "what's going on?" I'm pretty sure that's a question He'll always answer...
Now understanding that what God wanted me to to learn from this experience was how to handle relationships in a world where every single person will disappoint you, really takes the pressure off of doing "ministry" here in Japan. I'm learning so much about unconditional love, and about my relationship patterns. And as I keep working this stuff out with God and these secrets about my life for the past 10 years keep unfolding, and as I start to realize how deeply screwed up I am I begin to understand how great God's love and grace is for me, and how He's the only one who can solve this mess. It's rather exciting though to a lot of people I might sound like a retard. I think at this age we all are still retards when it comes to relationships. Some people just have been blessed with a little less backstabbing, loneliness and hard work than others, so they don't have to think about it so much. I always looked at those people and couldn't understand what they had that I didn't, that made people come to them instead of them having to pursue others. And then God reminded me of all the people I've turned away because they weren't "my type". To be honest, I've given up on so many people because they simply didn't seem all that interesting to me. Yesterday as I asked God about this, He really quite bluntly listed out stuff that I tend to do and some of it was pretty full on, though everything so true. Yet none of it was accusing. He simply answered my question, like father gives His honest opinion to a child who wants to hear it.
And man, have I felt such love coming from Him for the last couple of days. Even now as I'm writing this and listening to Kari Jobe I can just feel Him. AAaargh! Like you wouldn't believe. I don't even care if people think I'm an idiot. I don't even care if I go home and fail miserably in my attempts to put any of this into action. My God has brought me this far and even though for 4 months I've been acting like a retard whining to Him about why I can't hear Him (when I wasn't really listening) He's still with me and He still keeps turning my head towards the right direction...
Crazy how things can change once you shut up and start to listen, and I mean really LISTEN, not just try to hear what you want to hear. God is good all the time and I can't wait to see what He's gonna do next... (like the lecture phase, outreach seems to have its season as well...) Anyway, thanks for all the prayers, don't let them stop here just because I'm all happy all of a sudden..
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