The End

So. This is it. It's been exactly 27 weeks since I left home, and though there's still two more weeks till I actually arrive in Finland, this is it for Australia. I guess this day was always gonna come, and now that it's here I'm finding it hard to believe. It's like in my very first post here, when I told about how even though I spent my last day in Finland just packing and preparing for leaving I still managed to forget that I'm going. Now it's different though, as everywhere I go on the base I'm reminded of the fact that the people I've spent the last 6 months with are no longer here. Having to say goodbye to someone almost every other hour has been emotionally draining, and tears and desperation come in waves. But then again I feel like I've fell into a comatose state where I just perform the things I need to, not thinking about what's gonna happen in a few hours, when I say goodbye to this place one last time.

The last few days have been the same. But I've been surprisingly calm and able to enjoy the last moments. On thursday night we had our own MAD grad, that was full of reminiscing and just enjoying each others company. On Friday night we had our actual graduation, but there was no time for inside jokes or sharing memories as we were graduating with two other schools. It was more fun than sad, though when one of the girls in our school shared her testimony I teared up a little as I could see how much she had grown on this journey. After graduating, we all went into town to take advantage of the freedom of doing things we'd been deprived of for six months - like alcohol. None of us drank a lot, but most of us had some. It was a little strange, like a bubble that suddenly burst. Seeing people smoke and drink, the people that had reached such depths in God, it just reminded me that we can never judge. I was drinking too, and it was ok. God wasn't judging us. He was there with us. A good example of this was one of the guys who gratuated from Beach to Bush dts, Chris, wo got pretty wasted that night. But when he took a taxi to go home, as he sat down in the car he was suddenly completely sober, and during the 20 minute ride from the city to our suburb Mitchelton he brought the muslim taxi driver to the Lord. How crazy is that? Just goes to show that God is with us everywhere and as long as we let Him, He can do great things through us no matter what the circumstances are.

Since saturday things have been a lot more depressing, as people started to leave. I still don't understand that these people are gone forever. Most of them I will never see again. Apparently the relationships that you form during your 6 months of DTS are equivalent to 7 years of normal interaction... how crazy is that, to say goodbye to a friend you've known for seven years, and then never see them again. Stressful, I must say. We've created a culture here that will be extremely hard to recreate back home. So I'm in for a social culture shock, surely. Even just having my very own room again and falling asleep in total silence will be weird... I can't even imagine all the ways that I'm gonna miss Australia..

But it's still good to go home. I've been fairly optimistic about returning, though Re-Entry lectures kinda brought my expecations to a more realistic level I guess. But still, even though I am a little scared to go home, at least it's for completely different reasons than it would've been in the beginning of DTS. I have changed. And here's where I'm most gonna need grace from everyone around me. Now if ever I need your prayers to get through the next few months. Just understand that coming back will be really hard, and don't get upset if I'm not the person that I was when I left. Cos I'm not. But it's a good thing. It's a very good thing.

My ride to the airport leaves in 35 minutes, so I guess I should wrap it up. But I just want to say this: this time has been AMAZING. It's een an experience like no other. I know it's gonna be hard when I go home, but I know I have no reason to be afraid because my God is with me, and He is the same in Australia and in Finland. And I know that even if everything else fails, even if it turns out that my worldview hasn't changed, that my attitude towards serving hasn't changed, that my self-worth hasn't changed, that my ability to love my neighbour hasn't changed, I know that my relationship with God has, and that's all I need. I know that I'm His beloved child that's allowed to screw up and be incomplete, and He loves me still, because He loves me, because He loves me, and there's nothing that can separate Him from me. And that is all that matters. That is everything.

So this is it. I sincerely thank you for reading my blog and for praying for me. I'm gonna be in Finland on May 10th, so call me up and we'll go for a coffee. But please don't stop praying for me.

I love you all! And I guess I'll see you on the other side.

yours,

Sonja

Countdown

4 cold nights left in Australia... What should I say. I'm exited, sad, confused. But I've managed to come in terms with the fact that I might never come back here, and I will never see most of these people again. It's sad of course, but I don't feel like the time we have left is too short. I'm more excited to start my real life back home. But while I'm still here I might as well share about stuff that's going on at the moment.

The last two weeks or so have been very laid back. We spent a long weekend in Hervey Bay where we did outreach debrief, and just hung out. I managed to get some of my tan back, but I'm still fairly pale compared to what I was in January... Sad days. After coming back to base, this time for good, we've had a very laid back week. Musicians did some recording (hopefully I'll be able to put some stuff on myspace at some point) and everybody else was free to do whatever. This week has looked pretty much the same. Some lectures on Re-Entry (read: the shock of coming back home), and a lot of parties and reminiscing. Graduation is on Friday, FRIDAY!!! It hasn't even hit me yet, that it's the day after tomorrow. Oh well. As I was saying, it's time to move on with my life. But more about the Grad maybe in my next (and probably last) post.

All the stuff I said about myself being a changed person after outreach in the last post wasn't necessary true. In Hervey Bay my old struggles with not being noticed started and I freaked out for a little while that I'm back in the starting point, but I found a balance and managed to get a more realistic picture of the ways that I have and haven't changed during the DTS. Last week we also had 2 lectures on Strengthfinders, which is a programme that helps you understand your personality and strengths, as well as other people's. I'd done the test you're required to take even before the DTS, but the lectures made a lot more sense than just knowing my top 5 strengths. I learnt a lot about myself in just two days, and managed to understand the causes and effects of so many dysfunctionals tendencies of mine. Some of my top 10 strengths were Empathy, Communication, Strategic, Responsibility, Command, Significance and a couple more that I can't remember. It also helped to see what are not my strengths; I'm not high on Positivity and Woo (Winning Others Over)... Makes sense. Makes a lot of sense. To me. This of course makes absolutely no sense to you, and I'm sorry for being so boring... Moving on.

Our last weekend on DTS was cool. On Saturday we had our very last MAD dance party, with a 50's swing theme. It was awesome, one of the best ones we've had. I'm gonna miss those parties... On Monday we had our band's very last gig, at a Lutheran College. I didn't have high expectations but it turned out to be really good. Musically it could've been better, but the audience was amazing, these little kids even came up to ask for autographs. After the weekend we started Re-Entry lectures. Yesterday we shared some constructive feedback with our outreach teams. We had to write about each member in our team what they should 1) Keep on doing, 2) Stop doing and 3) Start doing. Sounds pretty harsh, but it was really good. I was encouraged to keep on writing songs and finding my identity and security in God instead of other people, to stop putting myself down, focusing on the negative and being self-centered in my relationships, and to start thinking about what I say before saying it and expressing myself through other arts and not just music. Sometimes you just need to hear these things straight up in-your-face style. But nobody was mean, so that was good. This weeks mostly about closure, as well as preparing for the future. Today we talked about the challenges that'll face us when we go home, how for most people it's gonna be really hard when nobody understands and how circumstance change drastically and there's little to hold on to when the storms hit us. It's serious stuff and a bad Re-entry could take years to process. I'm not too worried, but of course I don't have any clue what the enemy might have in store for me when I go back. So I'm just bracing myself anyway...

Only 4 nights left... The last few days have been very stressful because of the volcano incident in Europe; I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fly into UK or not. But now most countries have opened their airspace, so as long as there won't be another eruption or a plane crash down cos of the ash, I should be good. Right now life feels like just waiting. A lot of stuff that I do is like the last time I'm doing it. Last dance party, last gig, last page of workbook, last community cleanup, last work duty(WOHOO), last last last. I'm sure the pressure of waisting valuable hanging out time by sleeping or blogging or packing or whatever will hit me at some point. It seems like everything except time has slowed down. Nothing's happening. It's like we're all just waiting, yet hoping that it would never end...

Oh well. We don't have to wait for long. Cos it will end. In two days. Please keep praying for my flight to be fine on Sunday. And pray for our school so that we could enjoy and make the most out of our last days together. Thank you!

Back in Oz

Ever since we found out our outreach teams at the end of week 4 many of us had been wondering what it will be like when everybody gets back. Will it be awkward, will it be joyful, indifferent, or what? Some of my fears came true, some didn't. I was afraid I'd sort of fall back into feeling disconnected from everyone and just start to fade away, especially when I was the only student girl in my team, and hadn't really managed to build rock solid relationships with the guys who ended up disappearing once the other teams arrived. But I realised that I just had to decide not to let the feeling of not fitting in to take over me but to walk in the opposite spirit and stand against the awkwardness. So I chose to fight and I ended up finding the person who I'd become on outreach. Feels like that sad timid girl that had taken over me around christmas is now gone and I'm actually starting to be myself again. It's awesome.

We had a couple of days of just relaxing and hanging out. It was weird being back at the base - it felt like I hadn't been gone at all, yet at the same time it felt like I had been gone for years. The February schools (Beach to buch dts, sports dts and Frontiers dts) had invaded the base and my old room was now full of people I didn't know, and our old classroom was now used by the Frontiers dts. We didn't even have a chance to get back into the routine as we were sent to the town of Toowomba for our last little step into missions - Easterfest.

Easterfest is the largest Christian music festival in Australia, and all the schools available from our base (excluding the schools that were still on outreach) were helping out as volunteers. All of us were still exhausted from outreach, and having heard only horror stories of last year's rainy and muddy festival, none of us were too excited to go. I had absolutely zero motivation for this last crusade, but was truly surprised by the experience in the end. It ended up being the most gorgeous weekend the festival had seen in years. And the jobs I got were easy and the teams were sweet. The food was amazing. Worst part of the weekend were the nights, as the temperature dropped down quite a bit, and my superthin sleepingbag was pretty useless. Getting barely 6 hours of sleep, working 9 hours a day, I was pretty nackered afterwards. And I also didn't shower for 5 days, which I think is my personal record during the dts. I didn't really get to see any of the bands that I wanted to, and wasn't bothered to go see the once I could've. I did see a little bit of sanctus real, but I didn't really like them. I did see the guys from Hawk Nelson in person, though not on stage. I said "excuse me" to one of them, as he was blocking my way in the music store. I'm so cool! The headline artists weren't really that good anyway. I did see a couple of artists on the smaller stages, and I thought they were actually better than the ones on mainstage. But in the end it wasn't about the music at all. What made Easterfest so great for me were the randomest times when I got to witness things like a 3-metre teddy bear being pulled up to a tree ( I have pictures) or random guys playing guitar for us while we were just sitting by the gates checking people's wristbands. And most of all discovering my confidence again. Even though I hadn't showered in 5 days, hadn't slept more than 6 hours each night for just as long, I still felt beautiful and confident in who I was, and I still had the strentgh to push all the way till 2am the last night, as we were taking down the chai tent. It was an awesome experience, and really showed me how much outreach had taught me.

Coming back from Easterfest on Monday we were even more exhausted. We were going to go to Harvey Bay on tuesday, but it got postponed till Thursday, which was really good. We had 2 extra days to just relax and hang out, and that's basicly all that we've been doing - absolutely nothing. Now we have ahead of us a week of debrief with the MAD school, it'll be good to have entire school in one place once again. We'll be sharing stories of outreach and also ust processing the stuff that's been going on for the last week. It's gonna be good, Im sure.

Now it's getting late and I still need to pack up all my earthly posessions on this side of the world before going to bed, so it'd better be going then. Keep me in your prayers still, especially as the Re-entry depression is lurking at my door trying to get in. See you in a week!

The rest of Japan

For the last 9 days we spent in Kioto we did not have an internet connection, hence this late update. However, I'm now going to tell you everything that's ever happened to me, so it should take a jolly good while for you to read this post. I hope you'll make it all the way to the end...

In Kioto we stayed at a church athat had just moved to a new building a week earlier, and we had the priviledge to be the first guests there. The place was pretty amazing, though the thought of going back to sleeping on a futon on the floor after having a real bed didn't sound all that appealing to me and Jess at first. But it was all good in the end. The shower was by far the best one yet (apart from the showers at the Japanese bathhouse we went to a couple of times), and I spoilt myself a little by taking a long shower every morning. The church also fed us, though maybe a little too much. Some meals were better than others, but my absolute favourite was breakfast. Bacon and eggs every morning... Good times. So yeah, the church was more than hospitable to us and I bet we all gained weight, sadly. The church had a fairwell party for us on thursday evening at a Korean barbeque restaurant, and they practically forcefed us all till the point where I could've easily allowed myself to shove fingers down my throat and vomit, just because I was so full it was painful. But the food was amazing, and I didn't exactly fight back when they offered me more. Amazing top quality beef that we got to grill ourselves, heaps and heaps of it. Having been deprived of real meat for 4 months I couldn't help myself... I also tasted cow's tongue!! It was really good actually. With lemon. Ha.

Now to more serious life issues. I learnt a lot during this last week, all the way till the very last night. One of the things I struggled with was respecting my authorities in times when I felt like they weren't being just. One of our leaders had told us a while earlier that we had overbudgeted and had thousand of dollars left over. All of us were excited to hear that we'd be getting hundreds of dollars back after or during outreach. As the time went on, however, our leaders said we might have to spend it all on outreach, because the base in Brisbane has a policy that none of the outreach money will be refunded, it all goes to the base. So for a while we though we could just get a couple hundred for spending money and get rid of it. Not all of us were happy about that, cos we could still really use the money after DTS. Once we arrived to Kioto we still thought we could use the money to buy souvenirs, but our leaders told us that that's not gonna happen either. They'd mailed the base and asked about the money, and the base had told them that it sould not be spent on anything that the budget doesn't include. Realising finally that I would lose hundreds of dollars was a tough cookie for me to swallow. I wanted to fight for my money, saying that I had not signed a consent for this (which I may have, actually) and the base has no right to take it etc. etc. But God stopped me and said it isn't right for me to go against the authorities like that. It may or may not be just, but it isn't my job to force things the way I think they should be. I realised that my bitching wasn't gonna change the situation, instead it was just making things tense between me and the leaders. So I decided to release it to God, knowing that He'll always give me the money I need, and that right now it's my time to bless the base with my money isntead of holding this against them.

When it comes to ministry, we didn't really feel like we were doing much. The only time we shared a testimony was on the very first night we came, when we all had to share something without any time to prepare. But it was fine, we all managed to BS our way through it. But after that we mostly just did english classes for kids, which basicly meant playing with them. We really felt a spirit of control and pride over the church, as we weren't allowed to really do our own thing. The sanctuary of the church was off the limits whenever there wasn't a meeting, so even when we wanted to worship just as a team during our free time, we were forced to do so in a stairway, cos nowhere else was ok for them. It was sort of like we were some kind of trophys that they kept on a shelf till it was time to show us around. But we did our best to obey them, and we did have a good time. One day we went to this church's prayer house in the mountains and had a time of worship there. After we'd finished Koji came to me and told me I'd been praying in Japanese. I was so amazed. I knew I could pray in tongues, but to actually have someone there who'd understand. Apparently I had said "I'm gonna open the door, so please help me, please". Jess had also been singing "open up the door" while worshipping and prayed for something cool to happen. It was crazy. And the next day as we had worship in the stairway we all felt like God wanted to open a door in that church. We just didn't know how to help Him...

So it all came crashing down on friday night. The church had a prayer meeting from 9 till 11 in the evening, but they gave us the option to rest instead, if we needed. We as westerners understood it as a free night, so we decided to spend our last evening in Japan having fun at a Karaoke bar. So we all dressed up and left, and when we came back we were confronted by the church. They accused us of all sorts of things, but mostly they were upset because we'd offended them by not attending the meeting. We apologized. They told us we'd offended God by going out instead of attending the church meeting, and because we'd worn better clothes to karaoke than what we did to church. We didn't say anything to that cos we didn't agree. They attacked Koji for being Japanese yet so offensive, like chewing gum while playing worship in front of the church, and for not being a better guide for us to the Japanese culture. They blamed Koji for every single little mistake we'd made. We could not understand. And some of us tried to share our hearts about what we felt like God had showed us about the church, like spirit of fear, pride and control, but they would not listen to us. We realised we should've kept our mouths shut as it only added to the flame that was trying to burn us alive. It went on for hours, and it was like straight from a nightmare. I still don't understand what these people wanted from us. We apologized and apologized and apologized, but they would not forgive. At half past one, after interrupting them while they were throwing stones at Koji, and we begged to just leave in peace, we finally ended the conversation with the church. Our team then had a time of prayer to just break off anything that might've come upon us from this incident. But I was actually surprised how calm I was. I did not cry during or after the confrontation, I wasn't even scared. Of course it was unpleasant, but in my heart I knew these people couldn't touch me. I knew there was no condemnation for me, and that these people could refuse to forgive us but that in the end it would only hurt themselves. In a way I was actually happy it all happened, cos I could see how I really was able to stand firm in God even in a dark situation like that.

The same conversation happened the next morning, when the church decided to address the same issues we'd talked about already. It didn't matter. There seemed to be nothing we could say to these people to make it ok. It only left a bitter taste to our mouths from the whole trip, and we were so happy to arrive to the airport and shake the dust of that country off of our feet. I felt sad that it ad to end like this, but God had warned us in advance that Kioto was gonna be the hardest. We survived, and now all we can do is leave it to God. I hope the church will eventually forgive us, I would hate that this might've affected the oportunity for the future Ywam teams to visit this church... But like I said, it's up to God to heal it.

All in all I feel like the outreach was about discovering new depths within myself and getting back to the road I was supposed to be walking since the start of the DTS. For me it never ended up being about ministry as much as it was about personal growth. I learnt a lot about relationships with people (especially with guys) and God. But I also learnt that the foundation that I came here to build cannot be built by just the things we learn. It builds itself through application, as I put in practice the things I now understand. Now I'm back at the base, the first MAD girl to arrive, and it feels as if I never even left. There's still 4 more weeks till I leave this country again, and I'm looking forward to seeing what life will look like when I step into a plane the next time.

A place to rest

So on March 9th we packed up our bags and left for another church in Osaka. It's actually the home church of one our team members, which for him was a little creepy, seeing his family and all. But he doesn't seem to mind too much. And it really comes in handy to have a local in the team.

The atmosphere in this church has been totally different from the previous one. We feel so loved and appreciated, and we're also the only ones sleeping in the church so it doesn't feel like people are watching us all the time. We're doing pretty much everything together as a team which makes such a difference, and I feel like we're actually a family now, not just a bunch of people put together for a period of time. We've been doing a lot of meetings, sharing testimonies, preaching and leading worship. And it's been great to see the people getting refreshed in the spirit, and I just hope it would last. Anywhere we go it seems like there is such a hunger and desire for more of God, but nobody to show them how it's done. And even though most of our team members are 19 years old, these people respect us so much as their spiritual leaders for the day.

I don't know how to describe it other than just restful. This place is for me feels like somewhere I can just breathe and relax and enjoy all that God is blessing us with. We still have busy schedules, actually it's the busyest time so far in a way, but I still feel more peaceful than ever before on this outreach.

And like I said, the team's getting really close now that we're really doing stuff together. There's still a lot to be patient about and the dynamincs change all the time, but at least for my part I'm having less trouble with feeling left out or whatever. On monday we went to Universal Studios Japan, which was pretty cool, though it started raining and my shoes got soaked. Most of the time we just stood in lines, queueing for rides that weren't all that exciting, but it was still fun. And Afterwards we went to the Hard Rock Cafe to have dinner, which was totally worth the 3000yen I spent. Amazing food.

The food's really starting to become a problem. I have gained about 8 kilos since I came to Australia, and all this deep fried stuff isn't really helping. I'm afraid I'm either gonna gain another 10 kilos when I go back home just cos I'll binge on comfort snacks because I miss Australia, or I'll develop some sort of an eating disorder and struglle with that for the next 10 years. Or maybe it'll naturally go away when I change back into my healthy Finnish diet. But still, I feel really fat most of the time yet it's hard to stop eating when I'm hungry, and all the places we go to eat are really unhealthy. IT SUCKS. I'm just praying to God that he wont let me get any fatter than this...

Anyway, back to God. I don't know what He's up to at the moment, but something Ronnie spoke at the first meeting we did here really seems to apply to this season of our outreach. It was the story of the poor widow who gave one single coin as an offering, cos it was all she had. And like that widow, we don't have a lot to offer. None of us really have a lot of life experience, or wisdom that comes from that exprience, most of us have never seen a miracle or even seen a person getting saved. So really, what do we have to offer? But the little we have, that's what we'll bring to the table, trusting that maybe next time there'll be more to give. The first meeting we did I was sitting at the back of the room, just looking around during worship, and I saw this deaf guy singing in sign language. I felt really bad for him that he couldn't hear the music, and of course I thought about praying for him. But having never seen anyone getting healed (well I have but my they were stuff like hurting ankle etc. and my cynicism tells me it wasnt really a miracle) I was pretty reluctant to go. But I remembered this conversation with this awesome lady back at the previous church about healings and stuff. She told me it's not about what we can or cannot do, how much faith we have or how loud we yell our prayer. There is no formula to healing. It's God and God alone who works or doesn't work us, and all we're meant to do is to pray for sick people and lay hands on them. But I still didn't wanna do it. Yet inside me there was a burning that I knew I couldn't just ignore, and I'd be so dissapointed in myself if I didn't go. And that's what God eventually whispered in my ear; it's not for the deaf guy, it's for me. So I went and prayed with such a passion that I cried. And I cried after I'd prayed for him. He didn't get healed but I believe something in me changed. I guess after praying for my skin (twice, actually) with our entire school back in Brisbane and not seeing the results I stopped wanting to pray for healing cos it most likely resulted in embarrasment and confusion rather than healing. I didn't want to feel like I had to make excuses for God, and though I've never doubted His ability to heal people or even raise the dead, I just thought he's never do it through or to me. But as I put my fears aside and offered the little that I had, I know a piece of that fear or cynicism broke off. And I'll try to keep walking in that still, just offering the last coin I have in the hopes of receiving something bigger the next time.

I'm getting really tired so I'm gonna leave it there. Hopefully the next post will be sooner than later. Keep us in your prayers and send me mail cos I haven't really heard about anything that's going on back home!! Arigato.

Lovers in Japan, Osaka remix

So I realise I probably shouldn't post anything on this blog when I'm upset, cos it always ends up sounding far worse than it actually is. So I apologize for dramatizing a lot of the stuff that has been happening. It's really not that bad. And God is doing stuff, just not really what I was expecting...

Our team is again alive and well, after a couple of powerful worship sessions and some family fun time I felt a lot better(awesome worship, good teaching by this random Philippino, fake italian food and a karaoke room!). It's not that there never was a problem with unity, I'm sure there was and it makes sense, of course the enemy would attack our relationships first. But it's all about what you do with it. Sometimes it only takes some corporate God time. And we're all learning to love each other even when we're sick and tired of the same faces.

So on Friday night we had church in an informal cafe setting which was awesome. God was powerfully present and I felt so refreshed after three very dry weeks. And later I was journalling and going through my thoughts along the dts and what God had been saying to me. And I asked God what the whole dts has been about and what has God really been working on, cos it feels like I'm missing out on something when I compare my journey to some others'. And He said that it was always about relationships. All the time He wanted to bring me to a place where despite my circumstance or past experiences I would know who I am and stand confident in the middle of the crap this world throws at me in relationships. To learn patience, forgiveness, unselfishness, unconditional love. But I was so busy looking for revelations that I missed this one. And it's ridiculous how much it all makes sense as I read back to what I've been writing down throughout the school. Especially in times when it was such a struggle to hear Him, it was usually when I was looking in the wrong place. So really I should've always been asking "what's going on?" I'm pretty sure that's a question He'll always answer...

Now understanding that what God wanted me to to learn from this experience was how to handle relationships in a world where every single person will disappoint you, really takes the pressure off of doing "ministry" here in Japan. I'm learning so much about unconditional love, and about my relationship patterns. And as I keep working this stuff out with God and these secrets about my life for the past 10 years keep unfolding, and as I start to realize how deeply screwed up I am I begin to understand how great God's love and grace is for me, and how He's the only one who can solve this mess. It's rather exciting though to a lot of people I might sound like a retard. I think at this age we all are still retards when it comes to relationships. Some people just have been blessed with a little less backstabbing, loneliness and hard work than others, so they don't have to think about it so much. I always looked at those people and couldn't understand what they had that I didn't, that made people come to them instead of them having to pursue others. And then God reminded me of all the people I've turned away because they weren't "my type". To be honest, I've given up on so many people because they simply didn't seem all that interesting to me. Yesterday as I asked God about this, He really quite bluntly listed out stuff that I tend to do and some of it was pretty full on, though everything so true. Yet none of it was accusing. He simply answered my question, like father gives His honest opinion to a child who wants to hear it.

And man, have I felt such love coming from Him for the last couple of days. Even now as I'm writing this and listening to Kari Jobe I can just feel Him. AAaargh! Like you wouldn't believe. I don't even care if people think I'm an idiot. I don't even care if I go home and fail miserably in my attempts to put any of this into action. My God has brought me this far and even though for 4 months I've been acting like a retard whining to Him about why I can't hear Him (when I wasn't really listening) He's still with me and He still keeps turning my head towards the right direction...

Crazy how things can change once you shut up and start to listen, and I mean really LISTEN, not just try to hear what you want to hear. God is good all the time and I can't wait to see what He's gonna do next... (like the lecture phase, outreach seems to have its season as well...) Anyway, thanks for all the prayers, don't let them stop here just because I'm all happy all of a sudden..

In Comparison?

Our first 5 days in Osaka have been somewhat different to Tokyo, yet surprisingly similar. It's warmer here, a really nice spring weather, and the church we're staying at is massive, providing us with plenty of comfortability. We have a fairly busy schedule, and we mostly work in teams of two or four, which means we don't really get to do stuff as a team, which is becoming a problem as we go on... We help out with the different ministries the church has, such as preschool, english lessons, cafés and whatnot. Though it feels like all we're actually doing is cleaning the church and handing out fliers at the train station nearby. But I guess we're hear to bless and help the church, so I'll try to have a good attitude about it all.

And it isn't the programme that's becoming a problem. It's everything outside of it. What we do with our freetime. Obviously internet is accessible everywhere, and with 4 laptops in the team, half the team spend their free time in a vegetative state on facebook. Some less than others, some definitely too much. And even though we hardly do any of the ministry stuff together, nobody seems too keen oon correcting that during the times we have free. I don't want to sound like I'm the only one who cares, tbh I haven't even addressed the rest of the team about it, partially because I don't know what to tell them or ask them, and because I feel like I'm just a big hypocrite trying to convict them of something that I'm guilty of as well. The team unity, that was one the things we really wanted to put effort into, seems to be forgotten, we've even started to be really rude to each other. Some of the stuff these guys say to me makes me wanna hit them hard and go home, though I know they don't mean to be mean. I guess we're all struggling with our expectations and the reality of this outreach, with not doing anything that would have an effect on these people, with having to conform to the ways of the church here that's really quite different of what we've just discovered that a church should be like. And in that frustration it's easy to forget to love each other, because we think we're the only ones struggling. So short little comments said out of impatience and without really thinking, bounce off the walls and come back as the meanest things. I know I do this too and it's really hard to stop and think before saying stuff. And even harder is to confront someone. I'm still figuring that one out.

So obviously this is not the healthiest situation an outreach team could be. And as I read about what the other teams are doing I'm filled with guilt and shame - we should be casting out demons and healing the sick too! What's wrong with us? Why are we sitting on our asses, having really crappy attitudes towards each other and the work we're doing for the church? And even if the stuff the curch wants us to do doesn't really feel like it's efficient, why don't we do something in addition to that on our free time? I'm filled with these questions more and more as the days go by and we're getting more and more apathetic and tired.

Now it's more than chrystal clear that this is all spiritual warfare. Loneliness, apathy and tiredness were the three main things that the Japan team suffered last year. And that's exactly what's happening here. But as much as we've learnt about spiritual warfare on DTS, in Brisbane there really wasn't any real need to practice it. Now that we're actually facing the problem I don't even know what to do about it. Heart attitude and communication is a good place to start I guess. Maybe it's not about saving souls in Japan and seeing miracles happen daily. Maybe it's about learning to fight the circumstance in a place that's very similar to our homes. And there is no sense in comparing us to the other teams, because Japan is just too different for that.

So keep us in your prayers and especially pray for the unity of this team! Hopefully next time I'll have happier things to share about :)